Who is going to believe

I’ve been molested & raped so many times, I’ve lost count. It began at 4 & now I’m 28. I’ve never went to the police because of fear. Fear of being blame. Fear of not being believed. Fear of the questions. Fear of the stigma. Fear of my attackers.

I already blame myself. I’m haunted everyday with the fact that I didn’t report to the police & these people could be doing it to someone else. I feel selfish & therefore I want to self destruct.

Last time I was raped was 2 years ago. I truly blamed myself. I went to a friend looking for someone. The first question she asked me was “did you drink?”. That fear sunk in after she asked that question. I told her the truth and said yes. I proceeded to tell her that I woke up next to a stranger & the first words that came out of his mouth was that I consented to sex. Instead of consoling me, she told me not to go out & that I should watch what I’m doing. I felt like she was blaming me & that the guy had no part at all. It broke me even more.

I’ve bottle up so much trauma & it’s now starting to seep out. I still blame myself. I should have or could have done something to prevent it. I have been molested by foster care, a doctor & uncle. I’ve been raped by strangers & almost raped by a so call friend. I lost my virginity to coercion.

I’ve never told anyone everything because of the shame, guilt & fear. Sometimes I truly feel alone with these thoughts. I feel used & not worthy of good things. I’m broken, barely held together by glue.

By reading other peoples experiences I am starting to realize that it isn’t my fault. I know I’m not alone.

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